Anti-Rule, Boundary Club
Hello
It’s been a while hasn’t it? I’ve missed you.
The other day on my instagram story, someone asked me what my boundaries were in navigating polyamorous relationships. This question really got me excited, mostly because it’s something that I have been thinking about and working through quite a bit lately. I am so committed to unpacking toxic behaviours in my own life and prioritizing mental wellness, so that I may be the best possible person and partner, that ongoing boundary setting has been at the centre of my daily reflections. In examining my relationships (both romantic and platonic) and the relationships of people in my life I have observed that there is a serious disconnect between boundaries and rules.
people tend throw the term boundaries around when what they are really talking about are rules.
Have you done this before? I know I have. You want to spend time with someone a lot, so you tell them that in order for the relationship to work, they have to do X, Y and Z at least 4x a month. When you really just want them to know that quality time is important to you. Or having conversations with potential metamours is really important to you, so that you can discuss consent and safe sex so you tell your partner that they can’t date or sleep with anyone without your permission. I’m completely guilty of this, particularly in my last very toxic and emotionally abusive relationship. I thought I was creating boundaries for that relationship, but I was not. I thought that because I had digitally established myself as “the polyamorous black girl” and had access to a particular type of language to talk about my experiences in relationships that there was no way I could be creating restrictive dynamics in what was supposed to be a space of love and freedom. The primary issue in my past though was that I had completely failed to create any boundary on the type of people I would allow into my life. I choose to be with people I didn’t trust, and that makes it very challenging to create and communicate boundaries, mostly because in order for a boundary to be useful in your relationship, you have to trust that the person you are with (or a friend you may have) will respect those boundaries. Most of this disconnect I created for myself, I do feel is rooted in the psychological shit storm I was drowning in, but we covered that in “When Harley Met Joker”
Unhealthy relationships can shift the meanings of things, especially if you haven’t thought seriously about what YOU need to feel safe and healthy in your life, and by extension your relationships. The key in drawing a solid line between rules and boundaries rests entirely in deep personal work that directly addresses YOUR needs and positive outcomes in YOUR life rather than controlling other people with threats of negative consequences in their lives For me this strategy works best in cultivating a healthy personal environment in my life, long before I begin to date anyone. I’ve spent probably two years now doing this work with myself and the shift has been remarkable and I have a clear understanding of the difference between boundaries and rules.
What makes rules and boundaries different?
I decided to share some of my boundaries that I came up with during the past year of being completely single, that really helped me in creating healthy spaces for myself and my relationships. Maybe it can help you create a starting point for boundary setting ;)
Rules are about the power you have over other peoples decisions and Boundaries are about the power you have over your own decisions. When you set a boundary in a relationship, you are not telling the other person what they can or can not do, you are letting them know what you are doing and what your limits are. Healthy boundary setting should always creating a space for the other person or persons to do whatever they like and feel unashamed and safe to do so. Rules on the other hand are less about making anyone feel safe or free or comfortable, they are more about fear and power. Making someone feel controlled with the threat of a negative consequence. Boundaries are positive and pro-active and encourage healthy outcomes and habits. I like to think of boundaries as invisible force fields, sort of like the dome around Wakanda. Thinking about boundary setting can be challenging especially if you’ve never thought about it before, I recommend sitting down and thinking about your needs and limits when it comes to the physical; the sexual and the emotional.
physical boundaries are about your body; your privacy or your personal space.
“I only have relationships with people who are comfortable with me meeting their partners in some form and who are willing to have ongoing conversations on safe sex; consent and privacy with all parties involved present”
(this is a BOUNDARY)
“You can’t date or sleep with anyone I haven’t met and approved of”
(this is a RULE)
sexual boundaries are about your comfort levels with sexual touch of any kind.
“My sexual safety is very important to me so I choose to only have sexual relationships with people who use condoms and dental dams.”
(this is a BOUNDARY)
“You must always use condoms and dental dams when having sex with other people so I don’t have to be worried and I can feel comfortable”
(this is a RULE)
emotional boundaries are about making commitments to yourself, your feelings, your needs, your time, your energy.
“I require attention in relationships that acknowledge my love language of quality time. I reserve the right to conclude a relationship if my love languages are not being acknowledged”
(this is a BOUNDARY)
“We have to go to the movies and dinner once a week”
(this is a RULE)
***
The most challenging part of boundary setting for me is actually communicating my boundaries to my partners. There is always a twinge of fear in my heart that they will leave or my boundaries will be unacceptable to them and I will miss out on a great relationship. In the past, this has led to me not sharing what I really need and what is unacceptable for me because I had such a deep fear of being abandoned. This not only kept me in relationships where I never felt safe or respected, but it also created a space where rules became a dominant force, and patterns of toxicity, power games and fear were normalized.
After some time though, I had the deep realization that a relationship that does not respect and honour my boundaries, is not at all a relationship I need to have in my life. If you don’t feel like you can tell someone your boundaries, things that you need and things that make you feel comfortable, then that is the only sign you need that they are not for you. And more than that, if I was more focused on someone leaving me than getting what I need to feel safe and happy in a relationship, I probably shouldn’t be dating. Which was difficult, but important for me to accept.